Category Archives: Blood Pressure

Parking’s Law – Blood Pressure No. 10

Today, Wise Blood is honoured to publish a recent interview with living legend, Sir Wilson Parking, in which he sets forth the principal tenet of his belief system.

WB  Sir Wilson, welcome and let me say straightaway how much of an…….
WP  Just get on with it, will you.
WB  Of course. It’s been reported that you had a major falling out with close friends at a party in London and that you’re now persona non grata around Sloane Square and Kensington.
WP  Let’s hope it’s true. Custom and loyalty will only take you so far down the road of tolerance you know. In the end, if there’s enough middle class self-satisfaction in a room, even the strongest camel’s back will break.
WB  Not middle class straw then?
WP  If you were only half as funny as you think you are, you’d still be pretty fucking funny.
WB  Quite so. What caused the problem then?
WP  Politics. We were discussing how right-wing governments around the world were still serving the interests of the rich, the powerful, the corporates….you know how it goes, don’t you?
WB  At the expense of the workers, the poor…?
WP  Zachary. I made the point that for the majority, choices were fewer, the margins were expanding, privatisation of essential services was on the increase, privacy was at a premium and actual democracy no longer existed. And although there are no black uniforms and swastikas in plain view, we are most certainly living under the heel of corporate fascism.
WB  Such fun. And?
WP  One of Brenda’s lawyer ‘freemartins’ yells out ‘Godwin’s Law’! Let’s move on.’ And everyone started talking about cars and recipes. It was more than I could stand.
WB  Er…what are you doing?
WP  Lighting a roach. Got a pocketful of them. Want one? Where was I? Yeah – so I kinda lost it right there. I say, ‘That’s what I’m talking about, fuckers. Godwin’s fucking Law exists so sleepy, middle class twats like you can avoid thinking or talking about that shitty smell that’s right under your noses when you wake up and still there when you go to sleep. It’s a convenient moral nosegay. That’s why we’ve got a bunch of barrow boys with Public School accents running the place here and why the Americans are about to vote in a carpetbagger with a comb-over.  Because rather than think about it…talk about it… do something about it!…It’s just easier to think of it as a middle class parlour game or an episode of QI and pretend you’re Stephen fucking Fry and gob off  ‘Godwin’s Law’ like you’re granting absolution or something. Well fuck ‘Godwin’s Law’ – here’s ‘Parking’s Law’ ‘
WB  It’s occurred to me that if your surname were Cole and not Parking, it would be ‘Cole’s Law’.
WP  You’re really asking for it, aren’t you?
WB  Sorry. Please carry on.
WP  Wanker. So. ‘Parking’s Law’…As a dinner party in south-west one gathers pace and the number of urban middle class mediocrities increases to fill the available space, so, exponentially, does the prospect of a discussion involving Hitler, Mussolini, Fascism or Statism and the prospect of an authoritarian regime coming to power. With that exponential growth comes an associated prospect that once the discussion commences, one or more of the assembled mediocrities will cry ‘Godwin’s Law’ and thus avoid the need for any intellectual involvement…..There’s bound to be an actuary at the dinner party who’d be delighted to give you the odds on it.
WB  Wow. Is that it?
WP  Well, there is a corollary. Godwin wasn’t really breaking new ground with his ‘Law’ you know. The idea of the middle class having convenient moral nosegays to avoid smelling the crud has been around for centuries. Pogroms, genocide….are not a new idea. Concentration camps…. used for native Americans, Boer prisoners, Aborigines…….

At this point Sir Wilson grew tired and emotional and was assisted to a sofa by his personal assistant, Ms Brenda Cadillac.

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Explanatory Note; Sir Wilson’s use of ‘freemartin’ to describe ‘Brenda’s lawyers’ is broader than Aldous Huxley’s use of the word in ‘Brave New World’ to describe sterile females. Sir Wilson uses the word to describe anyone he considers to be impotent or useless.

 

Human Nature – Blood Pressure No. 9

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David Cameron, the British Prime Minister, isn’t a philosopher or an historian – that much is clear. Attacking the harmless pastimes of Lord Sewel is at odds with both the history and purpose of his class, as well as not making any political or economic sense. For centuries, the Peers of the Realm have availed themselves of whatever pleasures or pains have suited their needs, however louche or perverse this may have seemed to the common herd. Sewel is simply continuing an established tradition as well as providing a clear exemplar for those promoting  entrepreneurship and recreation. The ruling classes have always behaved exactly as they pleased and, justly, seen this not as a privilege but as a right –  a fair reward for their exertions in assuming the mantle and responsibility of leadership.
Sewel and his companions were acting in their capacity as private citizens on private premises. They did not present a hazard or danger to the public abroad and, in reality, were only doing what we all imagine, if not know, they would be doing anyway. It’s only the behaviour of the gutter press and their blue-collar readers that is questionable here. Invasion of privacy and entrapment and then an hypocritical display of chagrin when the story is published. These are the same people who criticise football players for simulation!
Cameron, too, is on shaky ground if he wants to stand in judgement. Much of his time is spent rogering the NHS, screwing workers and partnering Angela Merkel in a Europe-wide sex ring that frequently buggers Greek pensioners and beneficiaries.
So hands off Lord Sewel, Cameron. Take your laminated visage back to modelling for knitting patterns. Let Sewel continue to enjoy the benefits earned by the sweat of his brow in whatever manner he chooses. It’s human nature to take pleasure where it may be found. An Empire was forged by such men.
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Hey Jude – Blood Pressure No. 8

Hey Jude, don’t take it bad
That caucus can’t be much wetter
Remember that payback gladdens your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don’t be afraid
You can still use that old Beretta
Nek minnit you’re doing all of them in
Then you begin to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, retain
The means to shred all of your folders
For well you know that it’s a fool who keeps them all
Feeley and SFO will weigh upon your shoulders
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah

Hey Jude, you’re going down
You should write Cam a real short letter
And tell him you’re gonna tear him apart
Then you can start to make it better

So now you’re out and cannot win, hey Jude, begin
You’re wanting someone to align with
And don’t you know Winnie won’t do, hey Jude, there is a queue
To cut your head off from your shoulders

Hey Jude, don’t take it bad
You’re just like Di but only better
Remember ambition isn’t a sin
Then you’ll begin to make it
Better better better better  better better

Splat

 

Seeing Reds without going Red – Blood Pressure No.7

Embarrassment is an emotional state of intense discomfort with oneself, experienced upon having a socially unacceptable act or condition witnessed by or revealed to others. Usually some amount of loss of honour or dignity is involved, but how much and the type depends on the embarrassing situation. It is similar to shame, except that shame may be experienced for an act known only to oneself.

Mark Twain said that man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. According to Scientific American; ‘Publicly conveying embarrassment or shame may signify the actor’s recognition that she/he has committed a social or moral infraction, and regrets this. As a consequence, this message may mitigate the negative social impression that was caused by the infraction.’

Anthropologists, geneticists, biologists, scientists generally and you and me should all be amazed and intrigued at the way in which our species evolves. As we constantly evolve, we adapt to survive in the face of nature. Not often is a qualitative change to the evolutionary process captured live on film as it happens – but yesterday in Parliament, our Prime Minister shed the burden of embarrassment in a staggering display of Darwinian survival behaviour. Thousands of years of our species being , necessarily, able to register moral discomfort and guilt were set aside as John Key held on to a useful political relationship by steadfastly recognising a legal standard at the expense of an ethical cornerstone. He was not interested in distinguishing right from wrong and he was equally disinterested in reading any documents that may assist in making such a distinction. We witnessed the dawn of Amoral Man. Lucky us.

Natural Selection – Blood Pressure No. 6

Wise Blood recently sent roving reporter, Wi Sun Park Ng, to interview Craig B’Stard, controversial leader of the New Zealand Conservative and Disciplinarian Party, following his triumphant ‘State of the Nation’ speech at the Orewa ‘Pitch ‘n’ Pay’ Campsite;

Ng; Thank you for seeing me Your Highness. May I just call you ‘Highness’?

B’Stard; You may. But keep your distance.

Ng; Thank you Highness. In your speech, you stated that some people were born to greatness, that it was not their choice to be great. That greatness was not, in fact, a matter of choice. Greatness is decided by birth and genetics and that one could not choose to become great, no more than one could choose to be an  – and I quote – ‘an illiterate, idle, benefit-dependent, scrounging, work-shy prole.’ Some of your political opponents have characterised that stance as ‘reactionary and extreme’. What is your response to that, Highness?

B’Stard; Well, no argument. They’re right. Reactionary and extreme  are the watchwords of our campaign. Frankly, there’s a lot of mumbo jumbo and shilly-shallying about the natural order of things. Some of us, not many, are born to lead – and the rest to follow. In order for such a small group to succeed, we must adhere to status quo politics in the harshest and most vigorous way possible. I’m proud of that stance.

Ng; Yes, Highness. Indeed, your political career started with the formation of the Tory Pride faction, did it not?

B’Stard; Yes, it did. Unfortunately, our enemies on the City Council saw fit to close down our annual Tory Pride Street Extravaganza last year and denied us an important platform for our message.

Ng; So it had nothing to do with the planned tableaux depicting sterilisation of the poor, adulterous wives in the stocks or deporting Maori back to Hawaii then?

B’Stard; Are you Chinese or something? Thought so. Just stay back with all that garlic on your breath will you. The floats in the parade would only have shown what all right-thinking New Zealanders have clearly stated they want. The Council is dominated by pinkos and homos. It’s common knowledge.

Ng; By homos, you mean homosexuals?

B’Stard; Yes. Those deviant creatures who choose to defy God’s ordinance, to fly in the face of nature and to wilfully visit perversity and decadence on us. Homos – yes.

Ng; So you believe that homosexuality is a preference rather than a part of the human condition, then?

B’Stard; Of course it is. Especially so, here in New Zealand. This is a pioneer country my Chinese friend. Imagine what would have happened if those first ships had arrived full of homos, weirdos and the like. Bloody Maori would still be running the show. No, New Zealand was founded by God-fearing, caucasian heterosexuals. Homos would never have dared raise a limp wrist or an effeminate shriek in protest back then. The place has only gone downhill since the homo fifth column in the Labour Party has taken over.

Ng; So, to be clear then, Highness. One is born to greatness; to rule. But one is not born to homosexuality – one chooses it?

B’Stard; Quite right my philosophical, oriental friend, quite right. To be born to greatness is natural selection. To choose homosexuality is unnatural selection. I hope that’s clear enough.

Let The Games Begin – Blood Pressure No. 5

As Day One of the first Political Olympiad draws to a close, Political Editor, Bendon Spanner, reports that New Zealand’s Prymister, Jun Ki, is leading the field in the Dreckathlon with Great Britain’s John Macaroon a distant second. Mr. Ki, in search of the inaugural trotie‘, is favoured by the reverse scoring system which subtracts penalty points. The judging panel agreed, that at the halfway stage, everything Mr. Ki had done was pointless and he was a clear leader. Ki’s supremacy was underscored in the day’s final event, the Poll Vault, sponsored by Fear Facts Exposed, which was unable to identify any opposition at all.

Not so successful however, was Minister for Jacobean Hairstyles, Peter Dunne. Mr. Dunne had entered in the Coalition Hurdles but failed to realise that the objective was to clear the hurdles rather than sit on them and he was disqualified.

Meeting with more success was Minister for Perfect Teeth and Coiffure, Hekia Parata, gaining a silver medal in the Flip, Flop and Dump. Despite a valiant effort and showing extreme flexibility in her policy stance, Hekia came a distant second to Australian, Julia Gillard, who won the gold medal easily despite several about-turns and changes of direction.

Other first day casualties were Maggie Barry – who was unable to start the Mother and Child 3-legged race due to her foot being permanently stuck in her mouth; John Banks in the weightlifting, who got 3 red lights when he fell over trying to lift his wallet; Bill English disqualified for double-dipping in the pool and Paula Bennett also d/q’d in the Beneficiaries Handicap Race because she broke the scales at the weigh-in.

Better things are expected tomorrow when a multi-party team compete in Passing The Buck; David Shearer hopes to make up some ground in the Individual Pursuit; Tariana Turea and Hone Harawira appear in the Canoe Jumping and Judith Collins will tackle Serving the Writ.

The highlight of the day, though, should be the 4 x $500,000 donation relay featuring John Banks again and surprise starter Kim Dotbra.

Bad News is Good News – Blood Pressure No. 4

Good Evening. It’s the 6 o’clock news brought to you tonight by Jeremiah Dallow and Cassandra Petrie.

We’re coming to you tonight from the TVNZ emergency bunker as much of Auckland is in flames, a State of Civil Emergency has been declared and the Army is enforcing martial law throughout the region. Minister for Disasters, Gerry Brownlee, is asking residents to stay in their homes, if they still have one, and not to go onto the streets where the Army has orders to shoot on sight anyone suspected of looting. We’ve already received reports that more than 50 elderly residents of a retirement village in Takapuna have been mown down by machine gun fire as they attempted to escape from their blazing recreation hall. An Army spokesman said that they failed to identify themselves and give the correct password. Cassandra.

That’s right, Jeremiah. What we’ve been able to discover about the circumstances leading up to the State of Emergency is that the first of a connected series of events occurred around 3.30 this afternoon on the Southern Motorway. A 3-year-old boy driving a Hyundai Santa Fe with a similarly aged female passenger were heading north against south-bound traffic. Eye witnesses said the speeding car was loaded with surfing gear, the driver’s window was down and ‘The Wayward Wind’ was blaring out of the stereo. Several vehicles swerved to avoid the Hyundai and this resulted in a multi-vehicle pile-up which included a petrol tanker, a truck containing chemical waste, several other long distance hauliers carrying timber, livestock and alcohol as well as about 50 to 60 private vehicles.

Thanks Cassandra. A survivor has told us that the petrol tanker and 2 other haulage vehicles jack-knifed and catapulted off the motorway, ploughing into a national grid sub-station, bringing down pylons and power cables. There was an immediate massive explosion which levelled everything within a 400 metre radius with fireballs and burning debris raining down on the adjacent industrial estate – in turn causing a widespread conflagration. The combined effect of the dense, acrid smoke covering the Mangere area and the loss of air traffic control systems caused by the power outage, has resulted in a least two mid-air collisions and several collisions between taxiing aircraft on the tarmac at Auckland International Airport. Cassandra has more.

Thanks Jeremiah. One of the mid-air collisions resulted in the front half of an Airbus A-350 plummeting out of the sky into the Britomart complex with massive destruction to the downtown area, By a cruel twist of fate, The Northerner train was just arriving and ploughed through the shattered terminus and into the harbour where it landed on the Beechlands Ferry.

In breaking news, we understand that most of the inmates from Mount Eden Prison have escaped, overwhelmed a battalion of the New Zealand Defence Force, armed themselves and barricaded themselves in several multi-million dollar homes in Paritai Drive.

After the break, Jenny-May will be here with the details of the Anthrax attack on the Olympic village, Jim will have live pictures of the polar caps melting and then Mark will interview the Dalai Lama on his plans to prevent AIDS amongst the Yeti population of the Himalayas.

Howard Hughes, Kimbra and the Search for The Holy Grail – Blood Pressure No. 3

There’s more than a hint of Pythonesque surreal humour to the circumstances surrounding the arrest of German/Finnish/Irish/Ugandan/Patagonian businessman and underwear designer, Wilshelm von Parking – also known as Kim Dotbra.

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In early 2010, Dotbra was granted New Zealand residency, having provided Immigration officials with evidence of his financial bona fides and assurances of free fittings for the Megauplift Bra (pat pending), the revolutionary undergarment, designed by Dotbra ‘with manbreasts in mind’.

The ‘Kimbra’, as it was beginning to be known, soon became a best-seller and, needing more space, Dotbra and his associates reluctantly left their cottage in Helensville for a 300 room château in Coatesville.

Later that year, United States law and corsetry officials applied to New Zealand Minister of Corsetry and Earthquakes, Gerry Brownlee, to have Dotbra extradited to the US for numerous breaches and infringements of the Bustle, Brassiere, Bustier, Corset and Undergarment statutes, as well as non-payment of several parking fines.

As a result of co-operation between US and New Zealand law enforcement agencies, at 3am on 20th January this year, US Navy Seals, the SAS, the Armed Offenders Squad, several Mossad agents, Peter Jackson and a film crew and , for some reason, a Mr Whippy ice cream van, stormed Dotbra’s palace, overcame resistance ‘with minimal loss of life’, arrested Dotbra and his associates and imprisoned them on Soames Island.

Yesterday, however, all of the charges against Dotbra were rejected in the High Court by Justice Fingers, the judge with no thumbs, resulting from new evidence presented by Dotbra’s legal representatives, Sue, Grabbit and Runne. Several authenticated documents were produced to show that Dotbra is the lovechild of Howard Hughes and Brunhilde Playtex, the lingerie heiress, and that Dotbra is the legal owner of the patents to the Jane Russell ‘Outlaw Bra’, the cantilever sports stand design and the ‘Spruce Goose’ flying plane designed by Hughes.

Asked what his plans were, a jubilant Dotbra, smiling broadly, told reporters, ‘I’m off for a cup of tea with my good friend, John Banks.’

A Deserving Case – Blood Pressure No. 2

There’s a scene toward the conclusion of Clint Eastwood’s ‘Unforgiven’ where Will Munny (Eastwood) is about to consign Little Bill Daggett (Gene Hackman) to oblivion.

Looking up at Munny from where he lies on the floor, Little Bill says bitterly, ‘I don’t deserve this..to die like this. I was building a house.’  To which Munny replies, ‘Deserve’s got nothin’ to do with it.’  And Munny is right, of course. Little Bill is caught up in some history that he helped to make. He may have had it coming – but we all have it coming –  and Little Bill was getting his then. Deserve had nothing to do with it

The National-led government, with help from The Maori Party, Peter Dunne (United Future) and John Banks (ACT), has certainly polarised political opinion in this country with its policies and legislation. The partial sale of some state-owned assets, in particular, has been the focus for much opposition, including a drive for sufficient signatures on a petition to seek a referendum. Other hot issues – such as teacher/student ratios, the treatment of ACC and WINZ beneficiaries, unemployment levels, reducing Police numbers and protection of our natural environment –  have served to awaken our interest in both the processes and personalities of a democracy under duress.

There’s a lot of negative criticism of John Key, his cabinet and their allies in the House. Peter Dunne has been roundly vilified for casting his deciding vote in favour of the asset sales. He’s been branded a traitor by some. The Labour Party, too, has come under fire for a perceived lack of opposition and its inability to rein in National by providing a clear alternative.

So. Do we deserve the politicians we get?

There’s a layer of cynicism that surrounds the kernel of voter apathy that likes to give currency to that idea – and when times are tough and Ministers under pressure make mistakes, those on the sidelines see a discernible mediocrity and speculate about culpability, party intrigue and changes of leadership. What also happens – is that some on the Left –  still bearing the scars from the last election, point to those who either didn’t vote Labour or, sin of sins, changed their vote to National. QED; We got the politicians we deserve.

But let’s remember that they are politicians, working inside, not outside, of an evolved system that has historical expectations of its constituents and moderates the behaviours, aspirations and actions of those constituents to meet its own needs, mores and boundaries. If you went to buy a second-hand car, you wouldn’t expect to be greeted at the sale yard by Bertrand Russell or Nelson Mandela, would you? You’d be met by a car salesman who, pretty much, would behave like a car salesman – or at least, like your idea of a car salesman. Politicians, mostly, meet the same criterion of expectation.

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Peter Dunne, for instance, has behaved exactly like my idea of a politician. He has been a Labour MP and Minister, an Independent, a member of the Future Party, then the United New Zealand Party and now the leader of the United Future Party. He has held ministerial positions, as a coalitionist, with both center-left and centre-right governments. But like Richard Prebble and Roger Douglas before him, Peter Dunne provides the best possible example of how the system changes those within it more profoundly than any change that may be wrought by them – and not vice versa. I don’t like him much and I don’t care for his politics. But he’s not a traitor. Just like Little Bill, he’s got caught up in some history that he’s helped to make and he may well have it coming.

If man makes history and history makes man – and if history itself is made by our subjective intervention into an objective reality –  then surely we must all own the political, philosophical and economic belief systems that we have all evolved with? If we deserve anything, we deserve our system, our democracy, our constitutional monarchy, our allegiance to a Crown on the other side of the globe. The politicians are a product of that system and they contribute to its continuance. But the politicians are us and we are the politicians. We must all  accept some responsibility for the failures and crises of our system. So let’s not join the reactionaries who provide simple answers to complex questions and who would have us believe that our only responsibility is to punish the irresponsible. Instead, whether we want to make a qualitative change to the system or just exchange it, let’s accept a broader responsibility for what happens. Make that intervention yourself. Join in. Be rigorous in your participation. Be accountable. That’s what you deserve.

Blood Pressure No.1

Your Prime Minister has a soft spot for Katy Perry’s tits and would like you all to use more condiments – reports ‘Parky‘ – Wilson Parkingson, from John Key’s office where, this afternoon, he spent an hour on line answering Get Stuffed readers’ questions. Or he may have said he had a soft spot for Katy Perry’s hits and would like you all to be more confident. Parky couldn’t really tell because Mr Key has a somewhat ‘unpredictable’ attitude toward the English language.

Asked about class sizes and whether he’d like his own son’s class to get any bigger, Key replied, ‘It’s hardly relevant as Max goes to King’s College and won’t be affected by anything Hekia does. Next question.’

The next question enquired as to whether or not Mr Key was sincere in his concern for the safety of Hector’s Dolphins and other marine mammals placed at risk by his government granting licences for mining and petrol exploration in marine sanctuaries. ‘All of the information we have from our marine biologists is that dolphins are incredibly smart. We’re sure that they’ll get the message, once there’s a few decent explosions, and re-locate’, he said.

Key also revealed that while Phil Heatley was away, he would be ‘covering for him on housing matters.’ He explained, ‘I feel I am very well qualified to speak on housing as I have several very fine houses of my own.’

Then asked about the strategy to drive down crime figures, Mr Key stated that it was ‘Year 10 arithmetic’. ‘Look’, he continued, ‘Its simple. If we reduce the number of police, not only do we make a saving on salaries, there will also be fewer arrests made with a consequent drop in crime figures. Jeez. I mean it’s not difficult.’

The next issue proved to be a bit of a ‘toughie’ for the PM. Asked why he felt he had a ‘clear mandate’ for the asset sales when more than half the electorate voted against them and there were demonstrations up and down the country, he replied, ‘Blue’. Pressed by Parky for an explanation, Key angrily pointed to the paper in his hand and rasped, ‘It says here the next question is; What’s my favourite colour? And the answer’s Blue. Alright?’

Mr Key was then asked if he felt comfortable with both ACC and WINZ  moving to significantly reduce their numbers of long-term clients. ‘Clients. Ha! That’s a good one’, he scoffed, ‘Look, like the Police, its a numbers game. If we cut off their benefits, we save money, the blud ..er.. clients die sooner – rather than later – and the numbers decrease. We’re paying the staff whopping bonuses as an incentive to get those results. Just like the new mixed ownership SOEs. We’ll double the fees of the directors to ensure we win the numbers game.’

The PM then relaxed as questions about his likes and dislikes were asked. Either Katy Perry’s breasts or her music were a ‘like’ along with The Wiggles and Hayley from ‘Coronation Street’. On the ‘not like’ list were having to sit next to Bill English in the House, remembering where all his houses were and trying to avoid ‘those bloody pests from The Bank of America calling me to find out what’s hot and what’s not.’

Finally, Key was asked who he thought would make a good Leader of the Opposition.’ Most likely, me, the way things are going’, he sobbed.

A word from the author;

‘Blood Pressure’ will be an occasional sallying forth into the political and financial tragicomedy that entwines itself around our daily endeavours. I will refine my sights as we progress but I needed to get underway with a barn door.