Category Archives: Blood Pressure

Blood Pressure No.1

Your Prime Minister has a soft spot for Katy Perry’s tits and would like you all to use more condiments – reports ‘Parky‘ – Wilson Parkingson, from John Key’s office where, this afternoon, he spent an hour on line answering Get Stuffed readers’ questions. Or he may have said he had a soft spot for Katy Perry’s hits and would like you all to be more confident. Parky couldn’t really tell because Mr Key has a somewhat ‘unpredictable’ attitude toward the English language.

Asked about class sizes and whether he’d like his own son’s class to get any bigger, Key replied, ‘It’s hardly relevant as Max goes to King’s College and won’t be affected by anything Hekia does. Next question.’

The next question enquired as to whether or not Mr Key was sincere in his concern for the safety of Hector’s Dolphins and other marine mammals placed at risk by his government granting licences for mining and petrol exploration in marine sanctuaries. ‘All of the information we have from our marine biologists is that dolphins are incredibly smart. We’re sure that they’ll get the message, once there’s a few decent explosions, and re-locate’, he said.

Key also revealed that while Phil Heatley was away, he would be ‘covering for him on housing matters.’ He explained, ‘I feel I am very well qualified to speak on housing as I have several very fine houses of my own.’

Then asked about the strategy to drive down crime figures, Mr Key stated that it was ‘Year 10 arithmetic’. ‘Look’, he continued, ‘Its simple. If we reduce the number of police, not only do we make a saving on salaries, there will also be fewer arrests made with a consequent drop in crime figures. Jeez. I mean it’s not difficult.’

The next issue proved to be a bit of a ‘toughie’ for the PM. Asked why he felt he had a ‘clear mandate’ for the asset sales when more than half the electorate voted against them and there were demonstrations up and down the country, he replied, ‘Blue’. Pressed by Parky for an explanation, Key angrily pointed to the paper in his hand and rasped, ‘It says here the next question is; What’s my favourite colour? And the answer’s Blue. Alright?’

Mr Key was then asked if he felt comfortable with both ACC and WINZ  moving to significantly reduce their numbers of long-term clients. ‘Clients. Ha! That’s a good one’, he scoffed, ‘Look, like the Police, its a numbers game. If we cut off their benefits, we save money, the blud clients die sooner – rather than later – and the numbers decrease. We’re paying the staff whopping bonuses as an incentive to get those results. Just like the new mixed ownership SOEs. We’ll double the fees of the directors to ensure we win the numbers game.’

The PM then relaxed as questions about his likes and dislikes were asked. Either Katy Perry’s breasts or her music were a ‘like’ along with The Wiggles and Hayley from ‘Coronation Street’. On the ‘not like’ list were having to sit next to Bill English in the House, remembering where all his houses were and trying to avoid ‘those bloody pests from The Bank of America calling me to find out what’s hot and what’s not.’

Finally, Key was asked who he thought would make a good Leader of the Opposition.’ Most likely, me, the way things are going’, he sobbed.

A word from the author;

‘Blood Pressure’ will be an occasional sallying forth into the political and financial tragicomedy that entwines itself around our daily endeavours. I will refine my sights as we progress but I needed to get underway with a barn door.