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Let The Games Begin – Blood Pressure No. 5

Posted on July 29, 2012 | Leave a comment

As Day One of the first Political Olympiad draws to a close, Political Editor, Bendon Spanner, reports that New Zealand’s Prymister, Jun Ki, is leading the field in the Dreckathlon with Great Britain’s John Macaroon a distant second. Mr. Ki, in search of the inaugural ‘trotie‘, is favoured by the reverse scoring system which subtracts penalty points. The judging panel agreed, that at the halfway stage, everything Mr. Ki had done was pointless and he was a clear leader. Ki’s supremacy was underscored in the day’s final event, the Poll Vault, sponsored by Fear Facts Exposed, which was unable to identify any opposition at all.

Not so successful however, was Minister for Jacobean Hairstyles, Peter Dunne. Mr. Dunne had entered in the Coalition Hurdles but failed to realise that the objective was to clear the hurdles rather than sit on them and he was disqualified.

Meeting with more success was Minister for Perfect Teeth and Coiffure, Hekia Parata, gaining a silver medal in the Flip, Flop and Dump. Despite a valiant effort and showing extreme flexibility in her policy stance, Hekia came a distant second to Australian, Julia Gillard, who won the gold medal easily despite several about-turns and changes of direction.

Other first day casualties were Maggie Barry – who was unable to start the Mother and Child 3-legged race due to her foot being permanently stuck in her mouth; John Banks in the weightlifting, who got 3 red lights when he fell over trying to lift his wallet; Bill English disqualified for double-dipping in the pool and Paula Bennett also d/q’d in the Beneficiaries Handicap Race because she broke the scales at the weigh-in.

Better things are expected tomorrow when a multi-party team compete in Passing The Buck; David Shearer hopes to make up some ground in the Individual Pursuit; Tariana Turea and Hone Harawira appear in the Canoe Jumping and Judith Collins will tackle Serving the Writ.

The highlight of the day, though, should be the 4 x $500,000 donation relay featuring John Banks again and surprise starter Kim Dotbra.

Howard Hughes, Kimbra and the Search for The Holy Grail – Blood Pressure No. 3

Posted on June 30, 2012 | 2 comments

There’s more than a hint of Pythonesque surreal humour to the circumstances surrounding the arrest of German/Finnish/Irish/Ugandan/Patagonian businessman and underwear designer, Wilshelm von Parking – also known as Kim Dotbra.

In early 2010, Dotbra was granted New Zealand residency, having provided Immigration officials with evidence of his financial bona fides and assurances of free fittings for the Megauplift Bra (pat pending), the revolutionary undergarment, designed by Dotbra ‘with manbreasts in mind’.

The ‘Kimbra’, as it was beginning to be known, soon became a best-seller and, needing more space, Dotbra and his associates reluctantly left their cottage in Helensville for a 300 room château in Coatesville.

Later that year, United States law and corsetry officials applied to New Zealand Minister of Corsetry and Earthquakes, Gerry Brownlee, to have Dotbra extradited to the US for numerous breaches and infringements of the Bustle, Brassiere, Bustier, Corset and Undergarment statutes, as well as non-payment of several parking fines.

As a result of co-operation between US and New Zealand law enforcement agencies, at 3am on 20th January this year, US Navy Seals, the SAS, the Armed Offenders Squad, several Mossad agents, Peter Jackson and a film crew and , for some reason, a Mr Whippy ice cream van, stormed Dotbra’s palace, overcame resistance ‘with minimal loss of life’, arrested Dotbra and his associates and imprisoned them on Soames Island.

Yesterday, however, all of the charges against Dotbra were rejected in the High Court by Justice Fingers, the judge with no thumbs, resulting from new evidence presented by Dotbra’s legal representatives, Sue, Grabbit and Runne. Several authenticated documents were produced to show that Dotbra is the lovechild of Howard Hughes and Brunhilde Playtex, the lingerie heiress, and that Dotbra is the legal owner of the patents to the Jane Russell ‘Outlaw Bra’, the cantilever sports stand design and the ‘Spruce Goose’ flying plane designed by Hughes.