Monthly Archives: April 2015

I Am The Waitress

I am she and you are Key as you touch me and we are all together
See how they prank like blokes having fun, see how they lie
I’m crying

Serving up the corn flakes, waiting for The Man to come
Combination tea break, photo opportunity
Love, you’ve been a naughty girl, you let your hair grow long
I’ll egg you on man, you are the leg man
I am the waitress, goo goo g’job

The DPS policeman sitting
Protection Squad policemen in a row
Working on the meter like Lovely Rita this isn’t fun
He’s lying, I’m crying
He’s lying, I’m crying

Yellow Herald bastards, writing up a dead man’s lie
Shallow blogger fishwife, pornographic priestess
Boy you been a naughty girl you let your readers down
Ill egg you on man, you are the leg man
I am the waitress, goo goo g’job

Sitting in a Parnell garden, waiting for The Man
If The Man don’t come, no need to run
From standing with my back to him
I’ll egg you on man, you are the leg man
I am the waitress, goo goo g’job
Goo goo g’job, goo goo g’job


I Am Not Convinced

If you say we’ll meet at 2 o’clock under the station clock
Then I expect us both to be there at 2
There is a question about how long to wait if you’re not there on time
But I’m not here to answer questions
It’s said that some people work to a different meaning of time
But I only like to read about metaphysics
I don’t want to have them keep my social diary
So get here in time for us to see the kick-off
I am not convinced by explanations for lateness
Especially when you tug your ear lobe whilst making them

It is true that there is a gap, possibly a chasm, between law and justice
Probably the same gap represented by the amount of money I have
And the amount of money I need to receive justice from the law
Some lawyers will tell you that, for them, the Law (notice the Capital L)
Is even more than an Estate. That it is a creed. A way of life
I admire their nerve. A sang-froid arisen from the certainty of fees
Accrued from the uncertainty of due process and overdue outcomes
Over the years, I have received more pats of approbation from arch lawyers
Than plaudits from elderly musicians seeking reciprocity
But I am not convinced by their supplications – as empty as my coffers

The red and white poles outside a barber’s shop are a visual metaphor
They represent the blood and bandages that proliferated on a battlefield
Or a ship of the line when the Barber Surgeon was about his business
Letting blood, amputating limbs or administering a more quotidian shave
It’s probably where Sweeney Todd got his ideas from
Back then, physicians were stand- offish academics who left the cutting to the Barber Surgeons – base born, unqualified and known as mister, not doctor
Which is why today, a doctor qualifying as a surgeon is accorded the title mister
And explains why a surgeon likes to cut as much as a lawyer likes to litigate –
Explains why I am not convinced by their remedies dangling from a barber’s pole

Our dollar will soon be equal in value to the one across the ditch
The Christchurch recovery is an unparalleled success
There is no housing crisis
There are no starving children. And if there are – it’s a lifestyle choice
We are not being spied on
Hagar, Snowden and the rest are wrong
The dolphins are safe
We are green, really we are
I do love this country
But I am not convinced